In a few days I’ll be climbing aboard my trusty Trek road bike and embarking on one of the biggest challenges I have undertaken in many years. My friend John Kanengieter and I are attempting to ride our bikes ~1,100 miles – from Frog Ranch to his home in Jackson Hole, WY. [For more back story read this earlier POST].
I would like to say I’m ready; that I’m confident we can actually succeed at our plan; that I feel strong and comfortable on my bike; that I’m looking forward to every minute of this grand adventure.
Well, I can’t.
I don’t feel fully prepared, my a$$ does not feel ready to withstand a dozen 8-hour days in the saddle, and I’m not sure we can succeed. I am scared and uncertain about this whole thing.
Yesterday I was suffering mightily on my final 95-mile training ride. As I squirmed in the saddle looking for a more comfortable position I also searched for the mental determination to continue. Along the way an even more important question crept into my psyche.
“Why in the world am I doing this?”
I honestly couldn’t come up with a solid answer. I do love road biking, but the honest truth of spending days perched atop a tiny seat, dodging aggressive or clueless drivers, battling headwinds, grinding up hills, keeping a keen eye out for potholes or discarded banana peels…well, it pretty much sucks a lot of the time. I’m just saying. It’s true. It is mostly pain and fatigue and mind numbing tedium.
Why am I doing this?
When I entertain this question my mind goes in all sorts of directions. It pleads for reprieve and suggests easier alternatives. The logical part of me constructs good reasons to cancel or proposes options with less suffering and more certain outcomes.
And yet, these thoughts just don’t feel right.
What I have come to is this: This is not a question for the mind – it is a question of the heart.
My heart says this: I am doing this because I really, really want to. I want to test my body and my mind. I want to embark on my 6th decade feeling strong and alive and energized. I want to savor the satisfaction of arriving at a destination exhausted but proud. I want to know my true current limits and not my imaginary ones. I want to do this because it will be so difficult and because I don’t know that I can do it. I want to have an adventure that will leave me feeling the juice of life flowing through my body.
I know this is true because I can feel it in my body. It just feels right.
Wish me luck!
